Only the soul does not come with a lid - it is restless, it is relentless. It constantly poses us questions and defies our answers.
I originally created this blog to be able to express myself - and then I didn't. It remained online for years, with no attention from my part. It just was. And I am only starting to remake it now. But I wanted to explain some things.
First, why reactivate a dead blog, and delete the posts. I guess I like the title of the blog. Lidless Window. Like an unrelenting look a someone's soul. It is still possible to find great ble titles, with a little work.
Second. Recently I found out I am expecting someone. It will be a son or a daughter, and it doesn't really matter which. (Since it is in the nature of this blog to be absolutely honest and bare my soul, I have a slight preference that it will be a girl - but that is because girls are usually closer to their fathers, and not because I'd rather have a girl or a boy... I just want it to be a pal, and will do my best not to disappoint in that regard). But I am now eagerly waiting for someone, and sort of need a way of unburdening myself of the anxiety to talk, and to be understood, by that little person, who will be unable to understand me for a while yet.
And there is the repurposing of the blog - from something I had no idea if it would be useful for something to something that answers a very true compulsion.
To you - the one to whom this blog is directed - I promise a couple of things. I will not lie to you here. I will show myself a little more vulnerable than you will think is comfortable. And I will talk to you of what is going on in the myriad of nonsensical threads that I call my mind. At least for a while.
I am not a wise man, I am not particularly intelligent (despite some of the people you know may have this idea about me, it is something that I never encouraged - first because I thought it proved me intelligent, and then because I realized I wasn't the last cracker in the pack). I am not emotionally secure. Hell, I have no idea if I'm an adult - I always figured it comes with a degree of certainty, and I certainly do not feel a lot of that, and doubt practically everything.
But I'll be your dad someday. I will bea guy who you can count on. And who will try to tell you abou the world in the best way he can, trying not to be too biased, and trying his best to allow and understand your own views on the world, without trying to determine them.
I think this blog is a first step in that direction.
I will not re-read the posts - the idea is that I'll get them out of my heart and never look at them again.
I made this blog public because I hope you stumble onto it someday, and if you don't, maybe one day I'll tell you about it. Maybe not. Maybe the greatest surprises are the ones we find out for ourselves. Life is greatly like this, you know.
Now I'll tell you something important, about flowers and bees.
Just kidding. I do that, at this stage of my life. I hope I'll do a lot of that in your memories, as well. Anyway, this is it. I made a blog. Hope you read it someday. And I don't know you yet, you understand. But I love you. And that, I think, until you see your own child's image, you don't understand. I'm feeling sentimental at a time you are the size of a pea. you already have me at your feet, kiddo.
Love,
Dad.
